GCE A Level Results Collection Simulator

The blinds are still down. That's half the work done. You try your hardest - plugging in to ASMR, white noise, your recorded Lit lectures - and it works, thankfully. So you nap for a bit before you wake up again and find that you can't go back to sleep. What time is it now? And you're going to be late if you don't leave in the next 10 minutes or so. You shouldn't have slept, probably. Out of your bed, the first thing you do is... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[brush your teeth, finally.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)|2>[(link-rerun:"check your messages.")[(show:?1)(hide:?2)]] |1)[//are they awake// //Whru I'm outside the hall// //lol this is just like how you were late for your lit paper 2// Quickly, you reply with a //FUCK// and you (text-colour:#1864ab)[(link-rerun:"put down your phone.")[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]]]

Even after about ninety minutes of trying to psych yourself up by convincing yourself nobody will miss you and this is for the financial betterment of your family, you find that you do not have the (text-colour:red)[Guts] to kill yourself. Guess there's no choice but to... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[brush your teeth, finally.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)|2>[(link-rerun:"check your messages.")[(show:?1)(hide:?2)]] |1)[//@god if i actually pass all my subjects i will convert to christianity. plzplzplzplzplz// //i fear even god cannot save us now// //speak for yourself// You (text-colour:#1864ab)[(link-rerun:"put down your phone.")[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]]]

Congrats! You've mindlessly scrolled on Twitter for an hour and a half. Now you get to feel guilty for wasting time on that damn phone when you should've been doing something else productive, like writing, probably. You figure you can... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[brush your teeth.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)|2>[(link-rerun:"check your messages.")[(show:?1)(hide:?2)]] |1)[//i think i should apply to mcdonald's first// //eh help me apply too// //no. find your own minimum wage job.// You (text-colour:#1864ab)[(link-rerun:"put down your phone.")[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]]]

It could be a great morning. You could be sleeping in right now, or swaddled in a blanket tucked up to your chin, half-awake as you scroll on your phone. But you're not. Instead, you're sat up in your bed, eyes bleary and tired from yesterday night's (this morning's?) revenge bedtime procrastination, and you're sat up because... well, there's no other way to put it. ''''(text-style:"fidget")[''The Reckoning is upon you.'']'''' It's Results Day, and you're so nervous you think there might be a tremor in your hands already. Naturally, you... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[brush your teeth, of course.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[go back to sleep.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[return to the cesspool of Twitter to escape from your worldly responsibilities.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[leap from the nearest window]] (text-colour:#1864ab)|2>[(link-rerun:"check your messages.")[(show:?1)(hide:?2)]] |1)[Several group chats are blowing up (two). Nothing much is happening, despite the pinging on your phone - just what'd you expected this morning. With not much to say, you fire off a few //same lol//s and you (text-colour:#1864ab)[(link-rerun:"put down your phone.")[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]]]

Welcome to //''(text-colour:red)[A Level Results Collection Simulator]''// (text-colour:#1864ab)[[start]] significantly better on desktop ver 1.4 (text-colour:red)|4>[(link-rerun:"click for content warnings")[(show:?3)(hide:?4)]] |3)[//A Levels, suicide ideation, (repeated reference to) vomit, self-esteem/image issues, denialism (mental illness/sexuality/gender)// (text-colour:red)[(link-rerun:"click to hide content warnings")[(hide:?3)(show:?4)]]]

Finally. You brush your teeth and try to stave off the feeling of anticipatory dread in your stomach. Exit the bathroom and flop onto the sofa. You have about an hour to kill and food's on the table. You decide to... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[eat lunch.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[skip lunch.]]

It takes you thirty minutes to brush your teeth because you fell asleep on the toilet. And another thirty to do your skincare. If you're going to be facing your impending doom, you'd like to have at least a washed face. And another thirty you spend on messing around on your phone, because you just remembered you do have games on there. You should've been done an hour or so ago. But it's fine. You still have time to eat lunch, at least, so you... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[eat lunch.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[skip lunch.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)|2>[(link-rerun:"check your messages.")[(show:?1)(hide:?2)]] |1)[//anyone want lunch w me rn// //can whru// //.. at home// //i hope you fail your lit// You (text-colour:#1864ab)[(link-rerun:"put down your phone.")[(hide:?1)(show:?2)]]]

You should've done this a while ago, and you'll suffer from this frustration for the rest of the day, but for now you spit out the cocktail of saliva, water, and toothpaste and rush into your room to get changed. You don't have the time for anything else, not even lunch. Stuffing yourself into your shoes and grabbing your bag, you hightail it out of your house, because your bus leaves in a few minutes, and taking the next one means you're going to be significantly late. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Just be late.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Run.]]

Who cares? You've graduated already. Doesn't matter if you're late or not. Of course, this does mean you'd have to inch your way into a full-house of batchmates. Find your seat when everyone else is already sitting down, and you just don't have the (text-colour:red)[Guts] for that. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Run.]]

So much for not showing up sweaty for the last time you walk into that godforsaken place. Your legs pump. You should've eaten. //Then you would've vomited,// you remind yourself. You're not actually hungry. You make it on the bus just in time, heart threatening to crawl out your throat, rabbiting away in your gullet. It feels like you might throw up either way. Slumping into a seat, you straighten out your clothes and plug in. Soon enough, you're (text-colour:#1864ab)[[at the school.]]

hal.tracks heart-attack: ./audio/heart-attack.mp3, ./audio/heart-attack.ogg, https://https://soundcloud.com/bbiinngg/loonachuu-heart-attack?si=f2a2626627fb44b5946cb39e3f79cd75&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing/audio/heart-attack.mp3 school: ./audio/school.mp3, ./audio/school.ogg

The second you put the first spoon of macaroni into your mouth you're hit with a intense dismay. Your nerves won't settle, and when you're nervous you get stomachaches and nausea. You can't eat this. You shouldn't have tried in the first place, honestly. You have no choice but to (text-colour:#1864ab)[[skip lunch.]]

Wrapping up your lunch so you can have it for leftovers later, you place it into the fridge and stall for a minute. You still have about an hour before you need to leave. Guess you can just... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[doomscroll.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[go early.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[read a book.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[go for a walk.]]

<div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div><div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[lol]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[lol]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[oh that's pretty]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[lol]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div><div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[i should send that to alyssa]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[ ]</div> </div> <div id="DivForHoverItem"> <div id="HiddenText">(text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0,0.75))[okay what time]</div> </div> is it now? You check. And you're going to be late if you don't leave in the next 10 minutes or so. Stuffing yourself into your shoes and grabbing your bag, you hightail it out of your house, because your bus leaves in a few minutes, and taking the next one means you're going to be significantly late. God, you should have set an alarm or something. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[Should have managed your time better.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Just be late.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Run.]]

But you don't really want to. You would not be caught dead spending more time in school than strictly, officially necessary. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[And your results will reflect that.] You decide to (text-colour:#1864ab)[[doomscroll.]] Fine. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[You go early.]]

You pick up a book you've been meaning to read for a while, but after the first few pages you find that you're not all that interested. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[You should've studied harder.] You... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[doomscroll.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[go early.]]

You don't really want to go out if you're not just going to school straight. And you'd get sweaty. So, you... (text-colour:#1864ab)[[doomscroll.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[go early.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[You go for a walk.]]

You stand at the bus stop, fingers worrying at the hems of your uniform. You haven't worn this since you took the papers. (text-colour:#1864ab)[You wait.]<1| [(click-replace: ?1)[(text-colour:white)[And wait.]]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[And wait.]<2| (click-replace: ?2)[(text-colour:white)[Wait some more.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[It's here.]]

Fine. You go for a walk, like a supposedly well-adjusted person would when they're dealing with nerves and anxiety. Except it doesn't help much. You spend the entire walk feeling vaguely sick. But at least now you don't think you'll vomit when you step foot in school. So much for not showing up sweaty. You head back, the pit in your stomach widening. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Leave for school.]]

You hop on the bus -- and then on another bus, and this one takes you straight there. You (text-colour:#1864ab)[[enter the hall.]]

Alright. You're in the hall. Your legs take you to the row of seats marked out for your class. It's odd, being in here while you're not wearing a uniform. You're early, but there's a lot more people here than you'd expected. Some vaguely familiar faces are milling around, some are seated, but you make sure to avoid all eye contact either way. Your closer friends aren't here yet. It's too early. Your hands are shaking when you sit. Was the hall always so small? (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Go on Twitter.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Read manga.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Play a game on your phone.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about your future.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about what you could've done better.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about how much of a disappointment you are.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Leave the hall.]]

"Hey," you say. "I feel like I'm going to keel over." "Hey," Nicole says back. "I've literally been dizzy since I woke up." "Well, if you wind up fainting, I'll probably be passing out in solidarity with you." "It's a plan," she says, and then there's a silence. Neither of you decide to break it. Around you, the noise fluctuates from waves of rowdiness and bouts of odd quietness. Your hands are shaking. Your body is tense all over. Someone taps a mic, and the crowd is set abuzz all over again. The briefing is starting. You should (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

<div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'murky')[murky]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'retake?')[cant]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'settle for')[business]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'leave what im chasing for the other girls to sink their teeth into')[my blood smeared on someone else's mouth]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'watch from the semi-basement windows')[low/alone/]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'waxen wings melted down to')[stumps]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'dreaming far too close to the sun')[pride comes before the ...]]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[its always so loud here]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[my hands are still shaking]]</div> </div> <div id="Div2ForHoverItem"> <div id="Hidden2Text">(text-style:"blur","condense","buoy")[(text-colour:grey)[(link-repeat: 'im')[sorry]]]</div> </div> (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[Someone taps a live mic and reels you out of your thoughts. The briefing is starting. You should] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

<span style = 'font-family: arial'> ''Using your own words as far as possible,'' summarise how exactly you've screwed up. ''Use only information from the past two years.'' Your summary must be in continuous writing (not note form). It must not be longer than 80 words (not counting the words given to help you begin). In order to have done well in the GCE A Levels………………..... </span> you (text-colour:#1864ab)[[should]<6|] have (text-colour:#1864ab)[[tried harder.]<7|] you'll fail (text-colour:#1864ab)[[the As]<8|] and it will all be your fault. you've made it through (text-colour:#1864ab)[[PSLE and the O Levels]<9|] by the skin of your teeth, through sheer luck and sheer luck alone. you blame mental health but you know yourself and you know it (text-colour:#1864ab)[[isn't that serious]<10|]. you need to get over yourself. it's probably good that you won't make it (text-colour:#1864ab)[[to uni when you're eighteen and you still don't have any self-discipline whatsoever.]<11|] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[<span style = 'font-family: arial'>Word Count</span>]<3|]: (text-colour:#1864ab)[[80]<4|] <span style = 'font-family: arial'>(text-colour:#1864ab)[[?]<1|]</span>(text-colour:#1864ab)[[<span style = 'font-family: arial'>/15</span>]<2|] (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[You startle when someone taps a live mic. The briefing is starting. You should] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]] (click-replace: ?1)[off-topic. ] (click-replace: ?2)[your hands are trembling] (click-replace: ?3)[why weren't you better] (click-replace: ?4)[there is something wrong with you] (click-replace: ?5)[.] (click-replace: ?6)[could] (click-replace: ?7)[spent every free minute you had focusing on what matters, instead of on useless, stupid distractions that you should've grown out of years ago. you have no concept of responsibility or accountability and it's frankly distasteful. you are not pretty you are not skinny you are not smart you are not gifted the very least you could do is work your fucking bones.] (click-replace: ?8)[at anything you try to do for the rest of your life] (click-replace: ?9)[your unmarred, cushioned life thanks to the circumstances you were incredibly fortunate to be born into and you've proceeded to achieve nothing that wasn't] (click-replace: ?10)[is nothing that holds truth. you have tricked yourself into believing you are ill when you just wanted to be //special//. same thing with gender, same thing with sexuality. these things are not real. they are in your head and you have deluded yourself into thinking you need to be treated for //unpleasant thoughts//] (click-replace: ?11)[past young adulthood when all you are is a burden. a creature of regret that knows nothing but fraught apology.]

You try. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[35? Well, Prelims were 60. Or were they 50? 55?] The pictures scroll past you like a film reel playing, your thumb on autopilot as you bluescreen. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[67? You should've been able to scrape passes for all the subjects, right? No, you didn't study for History at all. But there's no way you get lower than what you got for Prelims, right?] After a half-minute of half-hearted half-reading, you close the app when you find you haven't processed anything that's been on the screen and there's no point. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[Right?] There is really no point. Someone taps the mic, making you wince at the feedback. The briefing is about to begin. You should (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

You try. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[35? Well, Prelims were 60. Or were they 50? 55?] The animations scroll past you like a film reel playing, your thumb on autopilot as you bluescreen. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[67? You should've been able to scrape passes for all the subjects, right? No, you didn't study for History at all. But there's no way you get lower than what you got for Prelims, right?] After a minute of half-hearted button spamming, you close the app when you find you haven't processed anything that's been on the screen and there's no point. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[Right?] There is really no point. Someone taps the mic, making you wince at the feedback. The briefing is about to begin. You should (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

You do not have the (text-colour:red)[Guts] to go out alone, and you don't want to force one of your friends to go with you. People are seated already. You're already in here. What's the point? Someone taps a mic, making you wince at the feedback. The briefing is starting. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[You should've been able to scrape passes for all the subjects, right? No, you didn't study for History at all. But there's no way you get lower than what you got for Prelims, right?] You should (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

The folder is thin and cold in your hands. A kind of pithos, it quivers violently, shaking like there's a monster chained within it. (text-style:"shudder")[ (text-colour:#1864ab)[[[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]][[Open it.]]]]

Now? Right here? (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[Wait for your friends.] (click-replace: "Wait for your friends.")[(text-colour:white)[Nicole and Hannah stare at you. "Just open it," Hannah says, in that special mix of exasperation and amusement she usually saves for Nicole.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[Open it in the bathroom.] (click-replace: "Open it in the bathroom.")[(text-colour:white)[You're seventy per cent sure there's going to be like six other people who have the same idea. You're not sure if you want to be in an enclosed space will be echoing with sobs right now.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[Open it on the bus home.] (click-replace: "Open it on the bus home.")[(text-colour:white)[You don't have the] (text-colour:red)[Patience] (text-colour:white)[for that.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[Open it at home.] (click-replace: "Open it at home.")[(text-colour:white)[You don't have the] (text-colour:red)[Patience] (text-colour:white)[for that.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[Get someone else to open it for you.] (click-replace: "Get someone else to open it for you.")[(text-colour:white)[You don't want to have to make someone break the worst news of your young life to you.] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]]

(text-rotate-x:169)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:192)[your] (text-rotate-x:167)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:158)[eyes] (text-rotate-x:167)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:205)[skim] (text-rotate-x:167)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:177)[down.] (text-rotate-x:231)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:177)[slice] (text-rotate-x:118)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:177)[away] (text-rotate-x:230)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:177)[the] (text-rotate-x:137)+(text-rotate-y:191)+(text-rotate-z:177)[fat.] (align:"<==")+(box:"=X")[(text-rotate-x:135)+(text-rotate-y:245)+(text-rotate-z:177)[there it is .] (text-rotate-x:138)+(text-rotate-y:251)+(text-rotate-z:178)[at the side .] (text-rotate-x:138)+(text-rotate-y:253)+(text-rotate-z:178)[in easy letters .] (text-rotate-x:138)+(text-rotate-y:252)+(text-rotate-z:178)[going straight down .]] You slam the folder shut. It leaves your mouth before you can stop it. //(text-colour:#1864ab)[[Huh.]]//

(text-rotate-x:226)+(text-rotate-y:165)+(text-rotate-z:57)[Seriously, you literally could not be more of a fuck-up. ](text-rotate-x:80)+(text-rotate-y:201)+(text-rotate-z:57)[Your parents don't say it right to your face because they're great parents, but you deserve that bluntness, because you are not a good child.] (text-rotate-x:219)+(text-rotate-y:359)+(text-rotate-z:182)[It's their money that you squander on going out with your friends, their trust that you waste every time you fall back into distractions instead of doing your work well.] (text-rotate-x:237)+(text-rotate-y:159)+(text-rotate-z:210)[How have you turned out so utterly rotten? ]T(text-rotate-x:320)+(text-rotate-y:336)+(text-rotate-z:325)[hey should hate you, because what are you?] Your hands tremble. (text-rotate-x:320)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Lazy.] (text-rotate-x:248)+(text-rotate-y:359)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Undisciplined.] (text-rotate-x:248)+(text-rotate-y:146)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Afraid of hard work.](text-rotate-x:248)+(text-rotate-y:178)+(text-rotate-z:144)[ Afraid of failure.] (text-rotate-x:304)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[You couldn't even be a good daughter.] (text-rotate-x:230)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Queer.] (text-rotate-x:79)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Atheist.] (text-rotate-x:141)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[Is there any conceivable way you didn't fuck up as a person?] (text-rotate-x:245)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[As their daughter?] (text-rotate-x:59)+(text-rotate-y:7)+(text-rotate-z:144)[As someone they love?] (text-rotate-x:169)+(text-rotate-y:186)+(text-rotate-z:169)[They spend so much money on you and you repay them with dust.] (text-rotate-x:169)+(text-rotate-y:35)+(text-rotate-z:169)[With failure.] With sin. (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[Someone taps on a mic. The feedback barely jars you.] (text-rotate-x:183)+(text-rotate-y:251)+(text-rotate-z:189)[They care so much and you are just a husk.] (text-rotate-x:183)+(text-rotate-y:101)+(text-rotate-z:189)[A husk of misgivings, of unlove.] (text-rotate-x:162)+(text-rotate-y:93)+(text-rotate-z:170)[You take their love like cupped samples at the minimart.] (text-rotate-x:197)+(text-rotate-y:249)+(text-rotate-z:180)[You take their feelings like pamphlets at the roadside.] One day you will be alone and you will deserve it. (text-rotate-x:197)+(text-rotate-y:75)+(text-rotate-z:321)[No one should love you when you don't even love yourself. ](text-rotate-x:60)+(text-rotate-y:75)+(text-rotate-z:326)[You do not deserve to love anyone else.] (text-rotate-x:60)+(text-rotate-y:341)+(text-rotate-z:326)[You cannot. You should not, when you don't know the shape love is meant to take.] (text-rotate-x:60)+(text-rotate-y:14)+(text-rotate-z:326)[You wish unconditional love didn't exist. ](text-rotate-x:60)+(text-rotate-y:152)+(text-rotate-z:326)[Nobody deserves to have to love you unconditionally.] (text-rotate-x:243)+(text-rotate-z:326)[Not when all you do is let people down. ](text-rotate-x:243)+(text-rotate-z:67)[Again, again, again.] (text-colour:(hsl:0,0,0.5333,0.35))[The briefing is starting. You should] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[pay attention.]]

How do you feel? (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Relieved. |Numb.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Disappointed. |Numb.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Angry. |Numb.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Happy. |Numb.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Numb.]]

Right. You feel numb. Nothing you can do now. Nothing you should do now but try your best to still your hands when you tap onto the bus. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[You go home.|end]]

The chatter is choked out. Beside you, your friends shift in their seats. The school spares no thought for you. But it's not their fault. (text-style:"bold","blur")[— the cohort did well —] It's yours, of course it is. You spent your time telling yourself that you would get up, pull yourself up by the bootstraps by the time Prelims hit. But Prelims came and went, a visitor that understayed its welcome. You were left suffocating in the dust. (text-style:"bold","blur")[— beat last year's median —] You can't even hold your phone or you'll drop it. You wish this weren't so public. You can see it in your mind - you receive your results and proceed to the highest accessible point of the school, the ledge that overlooks a smiley face that's painted on the gravel below, because it's just //such// a popular spot. Or maybe you'll stay in the hall and wind up choking on your tears. Someone comes over to attempt the Heimlich but they fail, because that lump in your throat is lodged too far down, lodged between three and five years ago, and your ribs splinter inside you. (text-style:"bold","blur")[— round of applause, please —] You slap your hands together to give yourself something to do. You're grimacing, mouth somehow dry and filling with saliva at the same time. The pit in your stomach howls. You should've eaten something. (text-style:"bold","blur")[— without further ado —] It is finally (text-colour:#1864ab)[[time.]]

You get to school with a cool five minutes to spare. Your legs take you automatically to the hall, walking you right up to the row of seats marked out for your class. It's odd, being in here while you're not wearing a uniform. Your hands are shaking. Was the hall always so small? (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Talk to a friend.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Go on Twitter.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Read manga.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Play a game on your phone.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about your future.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about what you could've done better.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about how much of a disappointment you are.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Leave the hall.]]

You get to school with no time to spare. Your legs take you automatically to the hall, walking you right up to the row of seats marked out for your class. It's odd, being in here while you're not wearing a uniform. The hall is filled and buzzing. The energy is suffocating, almost animalistic in how everyone's on their toes, a caged thing waiting to be released. Your hands are shaking. Was the hall always so small? "Hey." Nicole, to your side, nudges you. You jolt a little. "I was right about to call you in case you overslept." "I think I might pass out," you reply. The back of your shirt is a little warm in a damp way. Not enough to know it's noticeable, but definitely enough that it sucks. "Hannah not here yet?" "Nope. It checks out for her to make it here last minute even on Results Day." You go to respond before someone taps a mic and the feedback cuts you off. "The briefing will be starting shortly." Nicole sucks in a breath. "Oh, God." You shrink into your seat and hope there won't be a sweat patch on the back of the chair when you stand. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Go on Twitter.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Read manga.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Play a game on your phone.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about your future.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about what you could've done better.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Think about how much of a disappointment you are.]] (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Leave the hall.]]

references/inspiration kyle is famous -// john szymanski// you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair -// john mulaney / theodore roosevelt// i'll leave what i'm chasing / for the other girls to pursue - //mitski (class of 2013)// <span style = 'font-family: arial'>GCE O Level English Paper 2 summary question format - //SEAB/Cambridge//</span> poem torn apart - //pinyu hwang// who said that humans are the animals of wisdom / to my eyes, it’s obvious that they are the animals of regret -// agust d (people)// (text-colour:#1864ab)[[reset |beginning]] by sarah tan - for hz5101 multimedia (ntu)

Your name is called, and everything is finally, //blissfully// silent. You are offered a dark blue folder. You almost drop it twice. Your form teacher gives you a look that speaks of concern. You can't quite remember how to smile, but you try anyway. It seems enough. Squrrielling yourself into a corner, you draw a wavering breath and (text-colour:#1864ab)[[look down.]]

Now? Right here? (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]] Wait for your friends. (click-replace: "Wait for your friends.")[Nicole and Hannah stare at you. "Just open it," Hannah says, in that special mix of exasperation and amusement she usually saves for Nicole. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] Open it in the bathroom. (click-replace: "Open it in the bathroom.")[You're seventy per cent sure there's going to be like six other people who have the same idea. You're not sure if you want to be in an enclosed space will be echoing with sobs right now. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] Open it on the bus home. (click-replace: "Open it on the bus home.")[You don't have the (text-colour:red)[Patience] for that. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] Open it at home. (click-replace: "Open it at home.")[You don't have the (text-colour:red)[Patience] for that. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]] Get someone else to open it for you. (click-replace: "Get someone else to open it for you.")[You don't want to have to make someone break the worst news of your young life to you. (text-colour:#1864ab)[[Open it now.]]]

You black out a little, honestly. All you know is that your head snaps up like it's hinged on a rubber band when you (text-colour:#1864ab)[[hear your name.]]